TRUST & WAIT ON THE LORD

Introduction:

            I sit in my quiet kitchen late tonight, with everyone fast asleep in their own beds.  I have been in my Bible and journals, reflecting most of the last hour. I am fully aware that as I type this, I am currently in my home with the most beautiful answered prayers I have ever received. Not that long ago, when I would sit up late at night in study and prayer, much of it would be spent in anguish, in fervent prayer, in bargaining with the Almighty God, in self-doubt and self-deprecation blaming myself for something I had no control over. I used to carry the weight of the name barren with me everywhere I went. At times I would wear it as a badge, as an excuse to get out of something, sometimes I hid it deep within me hoping no one would notice, but it was always there taunting me with the dream I had that seemed so beyond reach that it was impossible. “For with God nothing will be impossible” (Luke 1:37).  But my journey has that conjunction that so many stories in the Bible have, BUT GOD heard my plea and blessed me with two beautiful children here with me today, and one sweet babe that He holds secure for me in His loving arms until I can meet him on the other side of life. I have had two journeys of infertility in my life. The first, shortly after my husband and I were married and it lasted right at a year when we were blessed to conceive our adorable son, Wyatt Franklin. The second was a LONG almost six-year journey of yearning, of heartbreak, of a devastating miscarriage of our Henry Travis, and of ultimately finding peace and trust in God’s will. In the end we were blessed when we least expected it with our beautiful daughter, Ivey Raine. My entire pregnancy with Ivey was so surreal that I vowed to God I would do all I could to never take for granted this blessing, but to always keep that awesome sense of gratitude I have for her. 

            When Ivey was first born, I did not want to even think or talk about infertility. Which was so strange to me, because for so long that had been my identity. I only wanted to be Mom, to soak up every precious moment that is so fleeting in those early days. I had done this before, I knew just how quickly those days pass and I knew that this was probably the last time I would have a newborn, so I soaked up every moment with Ivey and Wyatt that I could. Ivey was born in March of 2020, at the very beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic and the shutdown of virtually the world, we were blessed with unprecedented free-time with one another. Possibly those will always be the best and most happy days of my entire life, what a blessing it was to spend that uninterrupted time together as a new fully formed family. Now, I have reached a point where I feel I can view the entirety of my journey from barrenness to motherhood with a sense of appreciation and an avenue for reaching and helping others. God gave me a season of barrenness so that through it I could more fully understand His will, His power, His grace, and His love for me. There was purpose in the journey, and I am fortunate enough to come out on the other side with both the blessings and the lessons God gave me through the journey. 

            One of the best aides to me while I was still travelling through my journey of barrenness was other women who had walked the same path as me. The support and love from women with whom I could relate meant more than I can ever fully capture in words. Barrenness is something that everyone can have advice on, but only few can relate to. Women enduring the struggles of infertility receive unsolicited advice on a daily basis about how they should be handling the situation and how they could more easily accomplish their goal. More often than not this advice comes from women, and even at times men, who have never struggled with fertility; people who conceived children just from a wink of the eye at their partner. Okay, so obviously that is an exaggeration, but to a woman enduring the pain of infertility often it seems friends and acquaintances can pop out children at a pace that would even put the Duggar’s to shame.  But when advice comes from someone who has walked the same road, who has endured the same struggles and trials, a bond is forged that will outlast the trials of infertility. Women enduring infertility often crave community, where they can feel validated and understood in their feelings, even when those feelings are not always sunshine and rainbows. I do not mean that lessons cannot be learned and help cannot be given from people who have never struggled with infertility, I have received help from many who fit into this category, but I am suggesting the need for having a friend or mentor who has endured similar struggles to help give sage advice and hope. Because of the love and support given to me in times of need by such women, I feel the responsibility to pass on what I can to women still on their journey with infertility today and the best way I can do that is by writing, openly and honestly, so I can share my story and offer understanding and love. 

            In 2018 after completely the final fertility treatment I ever received, which had been unsuccessful in achieving a pregnancy, I started a Bible study. I researched the women of the Bible who had been known as barren and later gave birth, in order to learn from their examples and find peace in my reality of barrenness. At the time I never got to the point where I started to write, but I did research and study the women of the Bible who were barren and I took notes on what I learned and on how I felt at the time after studying each woman. Recently I found these notes and read through them and knew I could not continue on without sharing this with those who may benefit from it. Also, it is interesting to read my response to each story of barrenness then and to have a fuller appreciation and understanding of them now. I plan to share with you portions of my personal journals and studies dating back to 2012 when I first began my infertility journey. Now a decade later I am able to see the full circle, understand God’s will more fully, and share with you why I think God gave me this path to motherhood. 

            In this book we will read the stories of six women of the scriptures who endured a season of barrenness and were later granted children. We will read about Sarai/Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Manoah’s wife, Hannah, and Elizabeth. Some have more details than others within the scriptures about their life and journey to motherhood, but I believe God included each of these women in His holy word to provide encouragement and strength to His future daughters who would endure similar paths to motherhood. We will focus on how each woman responded to her inability to have children and how they handled themselves during this time. We will look at how each woman responded to God’s promise and His will. We will learn lessons from each of these women and we will see how relatable their examples are to us still to this day. 

            I also want to have an honest conversation on how we endure our seasons of barrenness. How do we react and handle infertility? I want to be open and honest to share with you that I didn’t always handle my season of barrenness with grace and understanding. In fact, I think I may have run the gambit of every possible human emotion and reaction while dealing with my journey of infertility. I want you to know that it is okay to not always be okay! It is a journey, and as we learn in Ecclesiastes there is a time for everything under the sun! Ultimately, I want to help you find peace in the midst of the storm. I want to help you find a trust in God and His will for your life, that you will be able to give Him control and be able to wait on the Lord. This is not a simple task, and not something that is achieved overnight. When finally, after years of heartache I learned trust in God’s will for me, I was provided a peace and clarity that I never knew was possible. I was able to move forward, still hopeful that God would bless me with another child; I was able to focus on more than just the heartache. Less than a year after that point is when I became pregnant with Ivey Raine, and I have been singing His praises of gratitude for her and Wyatt ever since!

            I never found a book during my infertility journey that was able to correctly utilize the scriptures and fully show the raw and unfiltered truth about infertility. I looked for resources to help me along the way and never found one that touched me. My search was not exhaustive and I am sure there are books and studies out there that cover much of what I plan to cover in this book, but because of what I found to be lacking while I endured my journey, I pray that this book will be helpful to you on your journey to motherhood. My path to motherhood will be different than yours, as we all have our own paths to walk, but I pray you are able to learn from this book that your inability to conceive has nothing to do with your worth, it has nothing to do with your past, it has nothing to do with who you are; but it has everything to do with who God is and how He will refine your spirit through the storm and reveal His will to you. I urge you to approach this study with an open heart and give your heartache and yearning for a child over to God as we grow together.